Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.