Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?