I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Friday night party time 🥳
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car