“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.