sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*