*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Beauty and the Beast
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
From Facebook just now…
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”