Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.