I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’ve been drinking.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.