Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
The Compass
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715