630: *wakes up to take dog for walk
632: *pours coffee and checks twitter
749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor
The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?
[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]
Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”
Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…
Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.
Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?
9: *tells story*
Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.