馃尡馃尡馃尡
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Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Kid: Mom! We鈥檙e out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I鈥檒l get more when I run to the store sweetie!
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I followed the link to your r茅sum茅 but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn鈥檛 like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I鈥檓 happier now that I鈥檝e changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it鈥檚 the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it鈥檚 the vodka.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..