Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive