A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
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This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’ve been drinking.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats