My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
no such thing as a dumb question
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.