*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me