“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.