kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
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Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
this… may be the greatest story ever told
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.