Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.