[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.