@hamersauce

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

@hamersauce

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

@hamersauce

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

@hamersauce

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

@hamersauce

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

@hamersauce

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

@hamersauce

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it