cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it