Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?