the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
pizza
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”