To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
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I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Spa day..😅
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?