Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.