went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
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Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Just a bush.