A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
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Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”