Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.