*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.