Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?