“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Gemma Correll
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
This was the best day of my life
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
This headline is a thing of beauty
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.