Happy Halloween 🎃
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Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My Plans 2020
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped