Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.
Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED
Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!
Her: Because all the candy is gone
Me: Ooooh right. So many.
“We never talk anymore.”
“I know. It’s amazing!”
Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.
Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.
We have a common enemy now.
When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.
My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.
One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now
Alien: take me to your leader.
Me: They all suck. How about I take you to this place I know where you can get amazing mini donuts?