What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
This is always good for a laugh.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly