@hazelmotes1

Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.

@hazelmotes1

Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED

@hazelmotes1

Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!

Me: wha?

Her: Because all the candy is gone

Me: Ooooh right. So many.

@hazelmotes1

Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.

@hazelmotes1

Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.

We have a common enemy now.

@hazelmotes1

When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.

@hazelmotes1

My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.

@hazelmotes1

One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now

@hazelmotes1

Alien: take me to your leader.
Me: They all suck. How about I take you to this place I know where you can get amazing mini donuts?