If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next