@hazelmotes1

Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.

@hazelmotes1

You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.

@hazelmotes1

Golf, except there’s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.

@hazelmotes1

If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.

@hazelmotes1

Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

@hazelmotes1

Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.