I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I think the cat got the dog high.