For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet