My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.