Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking