me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Tell the colonel to bring it
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company