I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.