“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.