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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.