Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.