Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
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I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again