me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while