@hero_ofthenight

I thought I was ready for the apocalypse until I saw how much food my son eats in a day and now I’m doomed.

@hero_ofthenight

I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man

@hero_ofthenight

I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’

@hero_ofthenight

Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.

@hero_ofthenight

If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.

“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”

@hero_ofthenight

So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.