I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.