Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving