All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My sex drive has a dui
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland