My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?