[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Need this in my life lol
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.