someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.